Mystery 6.0 – It’s 5 O’Clock Somewhere

Trip Region: MYSTERY
Country(ies): MYSTERY
Partners Trek? No
Cost: $3750
Airfare Estimate: $0
Structure:   •   Lodging:   •   Nightlife: 9   •   Activity: 6

Do you keep a detailed calendar? Like having enough information to make informed decisions? Does giving up control make you anxious? …Are you sure you want an MBA? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then this is probably not the trip for you. But for the degenerates out there, we’ve got the only MTREK you need. You see, the MBA experience will challenge your preconceived notions, (un)lovingly twist your whole life into a toppingless soft pretzel, and ultimately mold you into the hot mess competent businessperson you were born to be. What better way to start off than with a mystery?

The infamous “Mystery Trek” is the ONLY MTrek where trekkers show up at the airport not knowing where they are going, and destinations are revealed as the trip progresses. All leaders are Mystery Trek veterans, so you know you are joining the wildest crew out there and, more importantly, that all of us physically made it back (mentally and spiritually, not so much). During the course of the trip, we will form enduring bonds that your future classmates will never understand — bonds fueled by amazing food, conversion to Scientology, beautiful sights, and questionable people. If there’s a better way to start your MBA experience, then we haven’t found it… because it would already be part of this trip.

DISCLAIMER: Though we will be sober for at least part of each day, there will be a good amount of partying as we kick off your two-year, $180,000 vacation. If a glass of wine makes you sleepy, or you’ve ever said “I’ll just have one” and meant it, this trip might not be for you.

Day 1 — Saturday, Aug 18

Rise and shine! It is Day 1 and those of you still alive after last night’s initiation now depart for the trip of a lifetime. Led by five of Ross’s most impressive and esteemed leaders (and Diego), you will see everything that Siberia, North Korea, and Kansas have to offer. Stock up on your Pedialyte and follow us… because where we are going they don’t actually sell any. We’ll start our journey outside Rick’s where we’ll be blindfolded and shepherded into an unmarked white van driven by several large Russian men. Don’t worry, Alena knows them from her previous job. Well kind of. After 18 hours of driving and only one McDonald’s stop, we will be unceremoniously shuttled out of the van and into a... shipping container? Did anyone bring snacks?

Day 2 — Sunday, Aug 19

A man speaking a foreign language will free us in the early morning hours. After giving him all of your passports as thanks, we will disembark from the freighter ship having reached our first destination. After bribing the local officials to gain entry, we will then ride horses off the beaten path into the sunset, climbing mountains and hills while taking selfies (#doitforthegram, always). Unfortunately there are no restaurants where we’re going — we hope they taught you how to hunt at Deloitte. By now, Joseph will have taken 3 naps, but will lead us to a boisterous night of clubbing in this lit village we will call home for two days/three days/six days/who knows. If you’re still confused, just imagine The Road to El Dorado, but with worse animation and starring a bunch of MBA students.

Day 3 — Monday, Aug 20

On Day 3 we bid adieu to our new home, and our Canadian Mountie friends, and venture forth into the desert. After sweating out the previous day’s alcohol and bad decisions, we’ll stop for the night at the first oasis we find serving tiki drinks, where we will truly bond after spending days 1 and 2 avoiding the questions you have answered over and over during Orientation and Impact Challenge. You’ll explain your lifelong dream of product management at Amazon, Derek will tell you about the time he introduced himself to a recruiter as “Sarah,” and then we will attend a networking reception with a cardboard cutout of Jeff Bezos, Xena: Warrior Princess, and a bowl of potato salad. DO NOT EAT THE POTATO SALAD — IT’S ONLY FOR THE BANKERS. Make sure you send your thank-you emails before the night comes, for tonight we rage until the sun rises or Diego loses his credit cards, whichever comes first. P.S. the Career Development Office has asked us to remind you that Xena does not recruit on campus, so don’t get your hopes up.

Day 4 — Tuesday, Aug 21

After sleeping in and abandoning the Lyon to a smoke-filled village jazz club (he didn’t want to go into marketing anyway), we will fly Spirit Airlines to our next destination. There we will meet our replacement Leader who will lead us on a journey of the mind to find our inner selves and meditate on life’s deeper metaphysical questions, such as “Why Bain?” “Walk me through your resume” and “Team Edward or Team Jacob?” Sitting around the bonfire, this new mystery man/woman will utter a forbidden incantation and pass each of us a cup full of suspiciously dark liquid that — oh wait, it’s just whiskey.

Day 5 — Wednesday, Aug 22

Three of our trekkers will be missing when we wake up. We probably should have gotten you all microchipped back in Ann Arbor... Oops! The rest of our sleep-deprived squad will try to experience something that a fancy leather-bound book I once read called “culture,” and will also showcase our culinary talents for one another. The rest of the day will consist of activities so bougie that your stories and snaps will like, totally win social media. But, considering your rapidly declining physical health, might be best not to show your face or body...

Day 6 — Thursday, Aug 23

This morning is a somber one as we slowly rise, heads pounding and pedialyte supplies waning to find the continental breakfast closed. We will soldier forth into the Arctic tundra toward our next destination. We know you probably wanted beaches and sun, but this will be excellent training for Winter A walks to Skeeps and the annual Boyne Ski Trip. With only a bottle of Fireball to keep us warm, we will make our way to a remote wood cabin where we will make s’mores by the fire while your leaders teach you the deepest secrets to navigating your MBA1 life — secrets like which club events have the best free food (did you know Skeeps had a nacho bar?), how to blend in with the BBAs (their vision is based on movement), and strategies for handling a cold-call when you haven’t read the case. Pay close attention because you can’t learn these things on Poets & Quants...

Day 7 — Friday, Aug 24

Today we snowmobile race to a nearby village to shoot an episode of the Bachelor Winter Games (bring your bikinis!). Yes, we will be snowboarding, skiing, sledding and drinking. You’ve guessed it — we’re back in Ann Arbor! You probably blacked out on the plane ride over, but it’s totally good, Daddy made sure we all got here. We wanted to come back here for the regular wifi at Ross and to check up on our Impact Challenge entrepreneurs. We’ll spend the day volunteering.

Day 8 — Saturday, Aug 25

Now that you’re actually members of the proud long line of Mysterio Trekkers who have come before you (those of you who are left), we will celebrate your accomplishments through overnight travel to the most awesome, underrated, underground party capital of the world. And, if you’re lucky, we’ll have a delicious meal waiting for you. Eat up while you can — you only have $25 lunches waiting for you back at Siegel cafe.

Day 9 — Sunday, Aug 26

Tonight we will take a victory lap, raging harder than you’ve ever raged before using that last bit of Pedialyte and even mixing it with your favorite spirits. We will then go to a fine steak dinner with Anthony Scaramucci, toast our full glasses, and discuss our continuing adventures at the Bus tailgates and make an action plan for you to (barely) pass Stats. We will then head out to our final night which will truly remain a mystery unless we manage to find our phones the next morning and log into our Instagram accounts.

Day 10 — Monday, Aug 27

Shake off the glitter, scrub off the tattoos, find and collect what remains of your dignity, it’s almost time to go home. We can’t leave without a bang so get ready for a day on the water you will never forget (#burntandturnt). We will do our best to make sure you are feeling *slightly* restored for those Labor Day weekend parties, and can brag heavily about how great your MTrek was (everyone loves that).

Day 11 — Tuesday, Aug 28

By now, we’re completely out of Pedialyte. But that’s OK because our last day of mystery awaits you. By now, Shirley has blacked out twice, Alena’s “friends” took Joseph, Lyon is still at second first destination and we already picked up another leader. If you’ve made it this far without doing anything stupid, don’t worry — we’ll make sure you have your chance.

Day 12 — Wednesday, Aug 29

Straight to Rick’s!